Behind the Mask
by AddieGreysPPPEvilRegal9119
Summary: She was a Forbes Montgomery and no one ever thought something like that would happen to her; but there was a chink in her perfect armor; this wasn't the first time. She'd been hiding it all behind the mask she was wearing. AU season 5; Addisam/Ella. No Henry. Rated T and M for dark themes. AddieChar, Jaddison, Maddison and Saomi, Addie/Nae friendships. Roleplay turned fanfic.
1. Attacked

**Hey guys! **

**I'm back with a new story; it was initially replies for a role play that I thought would be absolutely perfect to post as a fanfic. It's of course Addisam, because I mostly role play Addisam and Maddison. I've tried Addek but, it just never works out. Any-who, this story is very Addisam/Ella centric, but there's no Henry this time. I was initially gonna post it just to tide you guys over until I updated my other stories, but I think after what I did with "God Laughs" this idea ended up going in a very different direction. I must say that whenever I post something that was once a role play, it's usually with bittersweetsymphony or HeroesEmmaLee;so all role play related fics that feature Ella, Maddison, or Addisam, those gals get credit for it.**

**Just to set everything up, the story is set around the beginning of season 5;so everything up to that point lines up with the show. Ella is about 6 and a half when this story takes place. Sam and Addison are together, but their relationship is a bit different than on the show, meaning that after their break up at the end of the show, Sam isn't a douche. Oh and I must say that Sam did kiss Naomi, but he told Addison right after it happened. The reason I'm posting this is because I've always had this idea that there's more to Addison that meets the eye, like she's got this deep dark past or something. I'm all about really digging into characters and giving them a past that somewhat justifies their actions. Any-ways, I hope you guys like this story; oh and I must add that this story is kind of dark and reference sexual assaults and things of that nature so read at your own risk. Please Enjoy**

**Xx**

May 2011

Lying in bed with her boyfriend Sam Bennett, Addison rests her head against his slightly sweaty chest; they've just had "getting back together sex". His hands are resting on her lower back as she lies on top of him, her breathing slightly back to normal.

"I'm sorry Addison" Sam says quietly, running his hands through her hair

"What?"

"I said I'm sorry, about how I acted before, about the baby thing. I should've told you why I didn't want another kid with you. That was wrong of me, and I'm sorry"

"I shouldn't have forced you to make a decision; it's just, when I fell in love with you, I knew that you were it for me Sam. I knew that once I decided to take that leap, that you were going to be the last man, the only one from then on"

"You knew that just from a couple of kisses" Sam teased

"No; I mean, once I got over my fear of what Naomi would say and everything with Pete, that's when I knew that we would work, that we'd be together" Addison said softly, running a finger along Sam's chest

"You're so sure of everything" Sam said quietly

"I just, this time it was different; it just, it felt right"

"Until I went and screwed it up"

"Sam" Addison sighed

"No, I did; I screwed up. I acted like a jerk about the whole babies thing, I kissed my ex wife while you were away grieving over the fact that your mother had died-"

"Killed herself" Addison corrected

"I should've been there, for you, for Ella. I messed things up with you guys"

"But you're here now Sam; you came to me and you were honest about everything and you apologized for it all. That, is what matters to me" the redhead told him, taking one of his hands and bringing it to her lips, softly kissing it.

"You're amazing, you know that right?" Sam said, tilting Addison's head up so that he could kiss her

"I love you, and I'll wait until you're ready to have a baby; but I don't wanna wait forever Sam" Addison said softly

"It won't be forever Addison; I can't say how long it'll be but, I won't make you wait forever" Sam said as he leaned towards the dresser, retrieving a small box from Addison's nightstand.

"Sam, is that-"

"No, it's not; not that I don't wanna propose to you, because I do. It's, think of it as my way of promising you that I won't make you wait forever on a baby, or to become my wife" Sam said with a smile as he slipped the diamond ring onto Addison's finger.

"Babe, it's perfect" Addison whispered as she pulled Sam in for a kiss

"It took me a while to find because I wasn't sure what to get a woman who already has everything" Sam said with a laugh

"Babe, your heart would've been more than enough" Addison said cupping Sam's face

"You already have that"

"Yeah, I do; forever, right?"

"For as long as you'll have me" Sam said with a smile

"Mmmm, well then you're mine, forever" Addison grinned as she pulled him in for another kiss, which led to them making love until the early hours of the morning, with Sam having to put his hand over Addison's mouth in order to not to wake Ella who was sleeping just down the hall.

October 2011

As soon as the elevator dinged signaling it's destination, 6 and a half year old Ella Montgomery-Sloan immediately ran out of the doors and into her mother's practice. This was the place Ella had come to know as home since she was 2 years old. The people who worked here had become her family and she had been here for every family crisis. These people were her Aunts and Uncles whom she loved very much. She was a lucky little girl in retrospect; she had 2 very large families. Her family at Seaside(Formerly Oceanside) Wellness, and her family at Seattle Grace Mercy West. Being that both her parents came from highly dysfunctional homes, it was nice to have the love of so many people as well as her parents, who loved her unconditionally. Despite the fact that they hadn't been a couple in years, Mark Sloan and Addison Forbes Montgomery always made sure that their little girl knew just how much they adored her. It was never any question to young Ella who woke up practically every morning realizing just how much she was loved. Despite the craziness that occurred in her parents personal and professional lives, they tried as hard as they could not to let it affect the happiness of their 6 year old daughter. Today was a very important day for Ella, today was Halloween, and she, mommy and Sam were all supposed to go Trick-Or-Treating together, with promises of lots and lots of candy. She was picked up from school by Sam, her mother's boyfriend since her mother had a patient and was unable to pick her up. Pulling away from Sam's grasp as the elevator doors opened, Ella quickly ran towards her mother's office. Pushing the door opened, Ella is surprised to find her mother dressed in her Indigo colored scrubs.

"Mama, why are you in scrubs? That's not what you wore to work this morning" Ella pointed out as Addison let out a sigh

"Honey, mommy got called in for an emergency surgery" Addison said apologetically

"No! That's not fair! We're supposed to go Trick-Or-Treating" Ella said, anger and disappointment clear in her voice

"I know honey, I'm really sorry kiddo"

"Can't some other doctor do it?" Ella mumbled as she hugged her mother

"I wish somebody else could but, my patient Margret, her baby's 2 months early and there are other complications with her pregnancy so, I kind have to do the surgery"

"Because if you don't then Margret and her baby will die?"

"Yeah; I'm sorry sweetie"

"I know; I just, sometimes I wish you weren't so good at your job" Ella said breaking her mother's heart

"I know, me too" Addison whispered as she picked her 6 year old up and held her close as she leaned against her desk

"How long will the surgery take?" Ella asked

"It shouldn't be long; I just have to get the baby out and make sure are no other complications" Addison said pressing a kiss to her daughter's blonde hair

"So, there's still a chance we could still go Trick-Or-Treating?"

"There is a very real chance that we could go Trick-Or-Treating" Addison said with a smile

"Good, because I'd like that; hey, what are you and Sam going as?" Ella asked

"I have no idea, we haven't decided yet. Maybe we'll go as doctors" Addison said with a smirk, causing Ella to roll her eyes.

"Mom, that's your job, not a costume"

"Sorry miss bossy pants" Addison laughed, tickling her daughter, making the girl smile

"Ah, now there's something that I love to see, that beautiful smile of yours" Addison said with a smile as she headed out of her office, Ella on her hip.

"Alright sweetie, mommy's gotta go" Addison said as they reached the elevator doors

"Okay" Ella sighed sadly

"Hey, I'll be back soon, okay? I love you, can I have a kiss before I go?" Addison said softly

"Alright; I love you" Ella mumbled as she gave her mother a hug and a kiss

"I love you, I'll see you in a little bit okay? Be a good girl for Sam" Addison said as she stepped onto the elevator

"I will; I love you!" Ella called out just before the elevator doors closed

"I love you too munchkin" Addison said with a smile as the elevator descended.

* * *

Her surgery went well, very well; but it took longer than she expected. Looking at her cellphone, she knows that Ella is well past upset because it's so late, virtually too late for Trick-Or-Treating. Sighing heavily, the redhead instantly feels bad that she had to miss Trick-Or-Treating with her kid. However, she's pretty sure that Ella would be proud that she saved someone's family, once she was done being pissed. Taking off her multi-colored scrub cap, she lets her red waves out of the constricting ponytail she wore during surgery, allowing them cascade down her back. She carefully slides the promise ring she had gotten from her boyfriend off of the chain that she wore during surgery and placed it on her finger. She was happy with her life, she had her daughter, she had the perfect boyfriend, her job was perfect. Little did she know, that everything that she had was about to be ripped away from her in a matter of seconds.

Hearing her phone vibrate, she pulled it out and answered it; almost instantly her heart broke when she heard her 6 year old on the other line crying.

"Hey sweetie" Addison said softly

"You promised" Ella said in between crying, making her mother sigh heavily

"I know, I'm so sorry baby girl; the surgery was a little more complicated than I expect"

"Did Margret and her baby live?"

"They did, but it was really tricky; the baby's lungs weren't very strong so, he couldn't breathe on his own" Addison explained

"He? Margret had a boy?" Ella asked softly

"She did"

"And they're both okay now?"

"They are"

"And you can come home now?"

"I can; I just have to grab my clothes and then I'll be on my way; I won't even change out of my scrubs" Addison said with a smirk

"Are your scrubs bloody?" Ella asked

"No"

"Then scrubs are okay; just hurry home. It's raining and I don't like it when you drive when it's raining. You could get into an accident and Uncle Derek or Auntie 'Melia will have to open your head up"

"Alright munchkin...shoot" Addison muttered as she noticed that the power had went out

"What's wrong momma?"

"The power just went out here at the hospital; I'll be home soon Ella okay? I love you"

"I love you too, be careful mommy!"Ella said before hanging up

Walking down the hall, she heard a noise; assuming that it was nothing, Addison kept walking. Everything happened so fast. A set of hands, wrapped around her waist, then around her mouth. She didn't even have time to scream. He was taller than her, a least a whole head taller; she's pretty tall herself, standing at five feet nine inches. She tried to run away, but he just tightened his grip on her waist, possibly fracturing some ribs in the process. She doesn't even remember dropping her scrub cap or her phone; her only concern was getting home to Ella.

He dragged her into a supply closet, shoving her against the shelves. He cut off the light, so that she couldn't see his face; then, he began his assault. He was an expert at this; she wasn't his first victim. He knew just where to hit her to make her stop crying, he knew just how to threaten her not to scream; yes, he was a pro at this, attacking and raping women. Shoving her against the steel frame metal of the shelves, he grabs a fistful of her hair and kisses her roughly. His hands soon began to work their way up her scrub top, cupping her breasts, which she absolutely hated; but the threat he put out there was enough for her to cry silently as he fondled her.

It was horrible, having someone touch you in a way as he did. She did however, spit in his face when he came back in for another kiss. That, pissed him off. Taking something off of the shelf, he hit her repeatedly, non stop. She could do nothing but cry from the pain and the intensity of being hit with a sharp heavy object. The pain soon was enough for her to fall to her knees and drift off into unconsciousness. When she did come to, he was on top of her and inside of her, in the most brutal way possible.

_xx_

"Sam, I'm tellin ya, Addison isn't here" Charlotte said as Sam walked with her thorough the hospital, Ella on his hip looking completely scared.

"Mommy said she was coming home" Ella sniffled

"Her car's still here Charlotte" Sam pointed out

"Maybe she got stuck in another surgery"

"No, the nurses said they haven't seen her up on the NICU floor since she took her patient to surgery and her patient has been out of surgery for over two hours now" Sam said as an officer walked towards them

"Dr. King, we found these near the scrub room" the offer said handing Charlotte a scrub cap and cracked iPhone

"That's mommy's scrub cap" Ella said

"And that's Addison's cell phone" Sam said

"We also found this" The officer said holding up a broken chain and a diamond ring

"That's mommy's ring" Ella whispered

"She wears it on a chain when she's in surgery...if they found Addison's things, then where's Addison?" Sam asked as Charlotte's face instantly paled

"We need to put the hospital on lock down, now" Charlotte instructed

"Sam, where's mommy?" Ella asked

"I don't know Elle"

"Don't worry sweetheart, we'll find ya mama" Charlotte said trying to reassure the little girl and the man standing in front of; but something inside Charlotte King's gut told her that nothing would be okay

* * *

She woke up screaming, so he hit her again, and again until she drifted into unconsciousness once again. The next time she came to, she was alone in the supply closet; a large amount of blood on the floor. Her scrub top was still on, but her scrub pants were off and her panties were missing. She tried sitting up but, was met with a excruciating pain in her abdomen, causing her to scream. Thankfully, Pete was walking down the hall and heard her screams. Unfortunately, Charlotte, Sam and Ella were with him.

"Addison?" Pete said trying to turn the knob; strangely it's locked

"Mommy?" Ella asked completely frightened to hear her mother screaming like that; why was she screaming? The little girl wondered

"Sam, you might wanna take Ella and-"

"No, I'm not leaving her" Sam said firmly

"Sam, you don't know what we're gonna find when that door is opened; you really want Ella to see her mother like that?" Charlotte asked

"Charlotte-"

"Sam, it's okay I'll take her" Amelia said as she took Ella from Sam

"Addison it's Pete can you hear me?" he said trying to get the door open.

"Need some help there Dr. Wilder?" Jake Reilly asked as he approached the scene

"Yeah, this door's locked and Dr. Montgomery's stuck in there" Pete said trying to get the door open

"Addison, hang on okay? I'm gonna get the door open alright"

It took another 10 minutes before the door is open; what they find behind it is highly unpleasant.

"Sam, you need to take a step back" Charlotte said firmly as she analyzed what happened

"No, I'm not"

"Sam! You do not want to see this now get back!" Jake yelled

"Someone get me a stretcher now and get Dr. Bennett out of here" Pete yelled as he and Jake crouched down next to Addison.

"Ella" the redhead managed before drifting unconscious


	2. This is What I have to Do

**Chapter 2:**

**I don't wanna spoil anything so, I won't say much except, enjoy.**

**Xx**

It took a while but, Jake and Pete were able to get Addison's pulse again. It turns out that she had severe blunt force trauma to her abdomen as well as severe vaginal damage, both of which required surgery. When she came to again, she was in a hospital bed, her face slightly swollen from being hit repeatedly.

"Where am I?" she asked

"You're in the hospital Addison" Pete explained her

Suddenly, it all came flooding back to her; she was supposed to be leaving the hospital to take Ella trick or treating when...the memory of everything causes her to sob uncontrollably.

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay Addison; you're okay" Pete said softly as he moved towards the bed wrapping his arms around her

"Ella, I want Ella. Where is she?"

"She's with Amelia" Pete said

"I want her, I want to see her"

"Okay, let's just, clean up those cuts you've got going on" Pete said softly, just as Jake walked in

"Pete, the police need to talk to Addison"

"No, no police" Addison said shaking her head adamantly

"Addison-"

"No Pete; no, I can't"

"Addison-"

"No dammit! I am Addison Forbes Montgomery! I am a Forbes! This doesn't, happen to someone like me!"

"Addison, I found you in the supply closet half naked and-"

Pete's words were cut off by a slap from Addison which was a complete shock

"Get out Pete, get out right now and don't come back"

"Addison-"

"You too Jake. I just want Ella" the redhead told them before painfully turning over facing the wall. If she could, she would crawl into a cocoon and never come out. All she wanted was her daughter; Ella was the only thing that could soothe the pain, both physical and emotional. All she wanted was Ella.

"Leave her be" Charlotte said to both me

"Charlotte-" Pete started

"Pete, leave her alone" Charlotte said quietly

"She needs-"

"Dr. Reilly, what she needs is to be left alone; go on, I'll take care of it" Charlotte said quietly

Once both men exited the room, the Blonde looked over at the redhead lying curled up in her hospital bed and sighed; this was her one year ago.

"What are you doing?" Addison asked as Charlotte began to move towards one of the drawers

"Getting everything I need, which would be an antiviral cocktail, the morning after pill a rape kit-"

"No rape kit" Addison said firmly

"Addison" Charlotte said softly

"I said no rape kit"

"The police are gonna wanna know what-"

"He took my panties" Addison said softly

"What?"

"He took my panties; I wore black panties to work today" Addison whispered as Charlotte came and sat beside her on the bed, her heart breaking for her colleague.

"I'm so sorry that this happened to ya Addison; is there anything you need me to do?"

"Does, does Sam know, what happened to me?"

"No; I sent him and Ella away once I saw. He's pretty strong that boyfriend of yours" Charlotte said as Addison smiled a little

"My patient's surgery ran long because there was a complication. I was supposed to take Ella Trick-Or-Treating" Addison said tearfully and all Charlotte could do was grab her hand and squeeze it

"Is there anything I can do for ya?

"Unless you can make this go away, no; I just wanna see Ella"

"You can, but I need to-"

"You need an antiviral cocktail, antibiotics, and you need to administer an HIV test"

"What about a pregnancy test?"

"I'm on the pill; plus I'm well past the age of bearing anymore children" Addison said with a bitter laugh

"You know, Naomi's in town so I could get her to-"

"Could, could you do it? I don't want Nae to-"

"Sure, I'll do it; Addison, I'm gonna do a rape kit-"

"Charlotte no I-"

"Think of it as a just in case; you did it for me and I didn't want one, and I'm _so_ glad you did, or else Lee McHenry would still be out there" Charlotte said reaching out and squeezing the redhead's hand

"Thank you" Addison whispered

_xx_

"Alright Ella, your mom got hurt pretty bad so she's gonna have some pretty nasty looking bruises" Violet explained; neither Sam, Amelia, or Naomi could bring themselves to see Addison in such a way. It then became Violet's job to explain everything to the little girl.

"Is she gonna die Violet?"

"Oh no, no sweetie; you're mom's not gonna die. She's just gonna be sad for, a long time that's all" Violet said as they reach Addison's room.

"Hey Pete, how is she?"

"It's bad Violet; I wouldn't go in there suggesting anything. I tried that and she slapped me" Pete said to his wife

"She slapped you?" Violet asked in astonishment, but quickly left her other questions for later as Pete glanced over at Ella

"She just wants to see Ella; that's the only thing she wants right now" Jake said to Violet as she gently knocked on the door before entering.

"Addison-"

"Go away"

"I brought Ella to see you" Violet said softly.

It takes a moment but, Addison manages to turn over and face them; Pete did the best he could about cleaning up the bruises on her face. It's slightly swollen and red, but the swelling is expected to go down.

"Mommy!" Ella cried, running towards the bed, instantly needing that contact with her mother

"Ella, you need to be careful" Violet explained before placing the little girl into bed with her mother

"Mommy, you're hurt" Ella said reaching out to touch her mother's face, tears in her eyes

"I'm okay sweetie, I promise" Addison said tearfully, pulling her daughter into a hug.

Physically, she would be okay; but healing emotionally would be the hardest part; right now though, she doesn't focus on any of that. She simply focused on the little girl in her arms; and that seems to make everything alright, for now.

* * *

"Sam!" Naomi said as she rushed into the waiting room of St. Ambrose; she had come back for a special case with an old patient of hers and immediately came to the hospital when she heard what had happened to Addison.

"Nae, I don't know what happened to her; Charlotte won't tell me anything" Sam said as he hugged his ex wife tightly; she knew that Sam was scared out of his mind for Addison. In reality, she was too; it had taken a while but, her trips to Africa and her move to New York gave her a lot of time to analyze things within her marriage to Sam as well as her friendship with Addison. While the thought of them being together still stung a little, she had to remember that this was what they chose; both Sam and Addison were adults. Her opinion on what Sam did was irrelevant because they were no longer married; though there was a deep and serious conversation between the two of them about him dating her best friend. It was something she didn't quite understand, but that was what he had chosen. Being angry at Sam and Addison would solve nothing she thought to herself; only time would tell if their decision was the right thing.

"Sam, I'm sure that Charlotte has everything under control" Naomi said soothingly as Pete walked towards them

"Pete, how is she, is she-"

"She's with Ella right now"

"Ella, wait she-"

"That's who she wanted to see; she wouldn't see anybody else. Hell Charlotte put both Jake and I out of the room so what does that tell you"

"I need to see her Pete"

"You can go back there, but Sam, I'm warning you, it's not pretty" Pete said, his voiced laced with seriousness

"Pete, exactly what happened to Addison?" Naomi asked as she studied her friend's expression

"We found her locked in a supply closet; she'd been attacked"

"How the hell does this keep happening? You would think that after what happened to Charlotte that the hospital would take more precautions on keeping this place safe!" Amelia shouted

"Amelia, calm down" Violet said gently

"Calm down? You really want me to calm down? I've got Derek and Mark Sloan in Seattle freaking out over what the hell happened. Archer is threatening to take a flight here and-"

"You called Archer, Mark and Derek?" Naomi asked

"They're her family" Amelia responded

"You shouldn't have done that" Pete said

"Why not?"

"Because, the last thing Addison needs right now is a bunch of worried people crowding her right now"

"Pete, did something else happen to Addison?" Naomi asked

"No; I'm just, I found her, alright? I found her and what I saw was...she doesn't need her ex husband, her brother, or the father of her child here putting her under any more stress. Her attack was bad enough

as it is"Pete said

"Oh my God" Violet said coming to the realization of what had happened to Addison

"Violet, what is it?" Naomi asked as Sam finally put two and two together

"Sam?"Naomi called out as she watched her ex husband storm off in the direction of Addison's room

"Sam!" Pete called out as he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder; but he was met with Sam's fist flying into his face

"Stay the hell away from me!" Sam shouted as he continued to march to Addison's room.

xx

As she lie in bed stroking her daughter's cheek, Addison was surprised to find Sam standing in the doorway of her room, a mixture of emotions etched across his face

"Sam" Addison said softly as she watched her boyfriend stand there, taking in what had happened to her.

"Addison, thank God you're alright" Sam said as he made his way towards her bed

"Sam, please don't come any closer"

"Addie..." Sam whispered, staring into her eyes, making the redhead's heart practically leap out of her chest.

"Sam, do you, do you know, what happened to me?" Addison asked, taking in the look that Sam was now giving her. He knew; Sam knew. God he knew what had happened to her! She couldn't deal with the pity looks or the sympathy. She wanted to pretend that this hadn't happened; but she couldn't now that Sam knew.

"Addison-"Sam said, tears evident in his eyes

"Get out"

"Addie-"

"I said get out"

"Addison, I just wanna help you!"

"I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" She shouted, making Ella jump slightly

"Shh, sweetie, it's okay, go back to sleep; you're alright" Addison whispered softly to the little girl.

"Mmmm, Mama?"

"I'm right here baby; now go back to sleep okay? I love you"

"Mmhm"

"Addison"

"It's over"

"What?"

"Addison, you can't be serious right now"

"I am, I'm very serious"

"So you're breaking up with me because-"

"Because I was a fool to date you, to think that we could be something more. I'm sorry that I ruined our 20 year friendship and I'm sorry that I did that to Naomi, now please leave Sam" she said

"Yeah, I'm sorry too" Sam chokes out before leaving the room.

Once he's gone, Addison laid there in bed, gently stroking Ella's hair, silently crying to herself over how her life was ruined so quickly. From that day on, she would forever hate Halloween.


	3. It was all a Dream

**Man, this is some serious stuff to write; I must say, it only gets worse before it gets better. Oh and I must add that the POV switches from past to present tense quite often. This is probably the last author's note I'll publish; I kind of want this story to speak for itself. **

**Xx**

January 2012

She's praying, and Addison Forbes Montgomery is _not_ a woman who prays. It's not that she doesn't believe in God or, whoever. She does, it's just...she's a WASP, and they only go to church on Christmas. Make no mistake, she definitely believes that there's, _something_ out there controlling the universe; you'd be an idiot to think otherwise. Today though, is one of those days where she needs for God or whoever to be real.

"Dear God, please, please, _please,_ let this be a dream"

Turns out it, _it_ isn't a dream, the results do not lie. Tossing the results into the trashcan, Addison walks away not quite sure what to believe at this point. In retrospect, she should be happy; this was something she had wanted for quite some time now. However, given the circumstances, this is the last thing she wants. Especially now and especially this way; any other way would've been great for her, but for it to happen this way, not so great.

Flashback:

_After her attack, Addison remained in the hospital for 10 days, Ella by her side at all times. Sure, in most circumstances, other moms wouldn't cling to their daughters the way Addison clung to Ella; but she wasn't an ordinary mom. She didn't have a husband to lean on, or some great big family to support her. She had broken up with Sam because, well it was easier not to drag him down with her. Sure, she had everyone at Seaside but, she didn't trust them enough to let them in. Bizzy was dead, The Captain was, well a whore and not speaking to her since she'd finally told him the truth about what Bizzy had_

_done. Archer, was absolutely out of the question. She had friends in Seattle, but then she couldn't possibly lean on them. Derek had Meredith and Zola, Mark had Callie, Arizona, Sofia and his new girlfriend Julia; plus he had that weird thing going on with Lexie Grey. Bailey was trying to deal with raising Tuck and dating Ben long distance, Richard was dealing with Adele and her Alzheimer's. There was Weiss and Sav, but she hadn't talked to them in years; so that left_ _no one but Ella. _

_Ella was by her side, constantly; so worried about her mother that she'd nearly had an asthma attack, scaring both she and Addison half to death. The only time she left Addison's side was when she was when the redhead had to be questioned by police. Ella promised to be right outside the door and to come straight back in once they were done. Closing the door softly behind her, Addison was left alone with the police._

"_You must really love your daughter Dr. Montgomery?" Officer Ken Martin asked_

"_I do" the redhead said quietly, not really looking up at him._

"_...Now, about the night you were attacked..."_

"_I already told you; I had just finished a surgery. I was walking down the hall and...someone came up behind me. He grabbed me, drug me into a closet and..."_

"_And, what Dr. Montgomery?"_

"_He...he...I was attacked"_

"_Are you sure-"_

"_DO YOU SEE ME?! Do you think I did this to myself!? I didn't ask for this! I was supposed to take _

_my daughter trick or treating! Do you think I want her to be this scared?! She's 6 for God's sake! She isn't supposed to be so scared and clingy and...I didn't ask for this, officer."_

"_I'm sorry ma'am"_

"_Don't, call me ma'am. I am a world class surgeon; I worked my ass off to be come a world class surgeon; so don't you dare call me ma'am" the redhead said coldly._

"_I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery"_

"_I'm tired, I want to see my daughter; can you, leave please?" Addison asked with a sigh_

"_Yes Dr. Montgomery; we'll come back at a later time-"_

"_Don't bother;I'm not pressing charges"_

"_Dr. Montgomery-"_

"_There's no need; I didn't even see his face"_

"_But, there were security-"_

"_It doesn't matter! I don't wanna press charges, now please leave"_

"_I'm sorry to bother you"_

"_It's fine, thank you, you can leave"_

_Not long after that, Addison was released from the hospital to go home. __Dressed in her __in her Yale sweatshirt along with a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and black flip-flops; her hair in a dirty bun on the top of her head and Chanel sunglasses covering her pained and tired eyes. Ella wears a green sweater covering a plain white tee-shirt, along with blue jeans and black converse high tops; all of which Addison ordered Amelia to bring them from the house. Ella's wavy blonde hair falls messily along the sides of her pale and tired face, as she awaits beside her mother as she signs discharge papers on her hospital bed. Ella can see in her mother's face that she's different now; more sad, more quiet. While she acted relatively normal around her, Ella could tell Addison was in pain; especially at night when she cried._

"_You need a ride home, Addison? I can take a quick break and-"  
"No, thank you; I've had the car here for almost 2 weeks." Addison states plaintively to Amelia as she gets herself a bag together and quickly leaves the room, holding the discharge papers in a clipboard in one hand and Ella's hand in the other. Ella follows Addison and stays close to her side as Addison_

_grips her hand firmly, walking down the halls of the hospital towards the exit. On the way, Pete, Charlotte, and Jake see the two with Amelia and proceed to walk with them.  
" I'm giving you 2 months off of work, Montgomery. Anymore and-"  
"Thank you, Charlotte, that's fine." Addison interrupts, trying to walk quickly away from them._  
_"__Make sure you take two from each bottle twice a day. It'll make sure your stitches heal properly-"  
"I know, Jake, you told me three times." Addison groans irritably, turning to face her friends as they reach the hospital exit. She hands Jake the clipboard of her discharge papers and coldly states, _

"_These are the discharge papers. Everything's signed. I'll be back at work soon. Now will you all still hovering over me? Jeez…" Addison rolls her eyes under her sunglasses, and Ella looks up at her, then right at the floor once their eyes meet as her blonde waves cover her face.  
"We just want to make sure you're okay, Addison." Pete says softly, sighing. Just as Addison is about to leave with Ella, she looks to her friends, breathing through her teeth, and says firmly,  
"I'm fine." _

_Addison Montgomery then promptly left St. Ambrose Hospital with Ella in tow, returning to what Ella believed would be their safe haven; home. _

That was 3 months ago, when everything was still relatively normal. Now, everything was different, very different. Now, her whole life was about to change, and not in a good way. Staring at the results, Addison sighs heavily; this isn't what she wanted for herself or her life. No, everything was perfect before this. She had Ella, she had her life and her practice in LA, she had her career. Everything was perfect, until now. She takes a brief moment to herself to cry; it isn't very long though. Standing up quickly, the redheaded beauty wipes her eyes before exiting the bathroom. Heading downstairs, Addison walks into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and a bottle of red wine. Settling herself down on the couch, she dials a familiar number.

"Yes, hi; my name is Addison Montgomery, and I'd like to schedule an abortion please. Yes, I'd like this taken care of as soon as possible. Uh huh, thank you"


	4. Ch-Ch-Changes

3 days later

She was never late, not for many things, but picking up Ella was something she was _never _late doing. It happened like clock work. Everyday she'd leave the office and go pick up her kid; it was natural to her. However, with everything that had happened lately, she was off a little. Okay, she was off a lot, a whole lot these days. She was 45 minutes late picking up her daughter from school that day, which she quickly apologized for once Ella got into the car. The car ride home was incredibly silent; she didn't want to talk to Ella. Her mind was too far gone for her to talk to her daughter. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to Ella, she was just, preoccupied with other things. Once they got inside, Addison quickly dropped her Chanel purse onto the lounge chair in they foyer, hanging up her purple coat on the hanger before taking off her heels and heading into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine.

"Today in science, Ms. Coleman told us that we're gonna get caterpillars, and watch them grow up right in our classroom and-

"That's nice, honey." Addison said, not looking up at her daughter, but instead focusing on pouring the wine into her glass. Ella bit her tongue for a few silent moments, before she continued what she was saying.

"We're gonna feed them apple peels and stuff; then, they're gonna hibernate, and turn into butterflies that we get to set out into the wild!" Ella exclaimed, a grin forming on her face as Addison finally

ooked at her.

"Ella, don't you have homework to do?" Addison said, resting one hand on her hip; Ella's smile disappeared as she nodded her head in response.

"Yes, but-"

"Why don't you get to that then up in your room, and when dinner's ready I'll call you down?" Addison asks, almost demandingly. Ella stared right at her and gulped

"But, Momma, I-"

"Go upstairs, please, Ella- don't argue with me." Addison said, sternly, pursing her lips together as her eyes met her daughter's. Ella then hopped off the breakfast bar stool, picked up her pink polka-dot backpack, and trudged upstairs to her bedroom. This wouldn't be the first time, or the last that Addison ignored her daughter.

"_Yes, hi. My name is Addison Montgomery, and I'd like to schedule an abortion please. Yes, I'd like this taken care of as soon as possible. Uh huh, thank you"_

Once she hung up the phone, she swallowed roughly, instantly full of guilt. Placing her hand on her stomach, she felt the slight curve; a sign that she's pretty far along. If there's a bump beginning to form, it won't be much longer before everyone knows.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered to her unborn child. She's known for a while now, or she's had her suspicions about it. The 5 pregnancy tests she took definitely confirmed it. Luckily, she had 2 months off of work to 'fix' things. She couldn't be pregnant, not in that way, no. Sure, she'd been contemplating having another child but, she wanted to do it on _her_ terms.

There was so much to think about-could she really do this? How would Ella react? How would she handle the baby looking like its father? How would she deal with being pregnant with her rapist's baby? What about Sam? Dammit, she hadn't really thought about him. What if he thought the baby was his? No, she couldn't do that to him; but she couldn't possibly tell the truth, say 'I was raped' even though she knew that he knew. How would she deal with the child's questioning of who its father was? There were so many thoughts swimming through her head; questions she couldn't answer at this point.

It was the only way she thought to herself, still rubbing her stomach.

Waking up the next morning, she goes about her usual routine of dropping Ella off at school, though she's much more cold towards her child. It's not something she wants to do but, it's for Ella's own good she muses. She can't let her baby girl in, not to see her like this. It wouldn't be right to her, wouldn't be fair to Ella. She depended far too much on the 6 and a half year old; and this was one of those things she couldn't lean on Ella for. After dropping Ella off at school, she made the drive over to the clinic. It was a very nice, upscale clinic; somewhere you could have a safe abortion-without the crazy protestors. She sits there in the office, quiet. She isn't even dressed like her usual confident self. Her hair is pulled up into a loose, messy bun; her hair is slightly falling down in the back. Her Prada sunglasses are perched on the top of her head. She's wearing a loose fitting shirt, a pair of sweatpants and simple flip flops. She decided to go against make up, seeing as she knew there would be crying (and lots of drinking) today.

"Addison Montgomery?" the receptionist calls out. Her mind is saying move, but her body will not.

"Addison Montgomery?" the receptionist calls out again; she can't do it, she cannot abort this baby.

She remains sitting there another 45 minutes before standing up, gripping her purse as she heads towards her car. Slamming the door and locking it, she rests her head against the cool leather of the seat, closing her eyes as she breathed heavily. She couldn't do it, she just couldn't abort this baby, no matter how fucked up the situation was, she couldn't have an abortion.

_xx_

1 week later.

The bump is highly noticeable by now and so is the morning sickness. She can only attribute the sickness to a 'virus' she got from Ella for a couple of days. Sam is the first to notice that something is wrong with Addison, something very wrong.

"Okay Addison, when were you gonna tell me?" Sam asks, closing the door to her office one afternoon

"Tell you what, Sam?" she asks tiredly; she seemed to run out of energy pretty quick these days.

"About the baby"

"What baby?"

"Addison, please don't insult my intelligence right now"

"Sam, I have no idea what you're talking about" the redhead said coldly, her voice almost robotic

"Addison, you're pregnant; I _know_ you're pregnant"

"That's impossible, Sam you and I-"

"Morning Sickness, Irritability, your cranky all of the time, no offense but, you've gained weight, your boobs are bigger, your clothes-"

"It's his"

"What?"

"The baby, it's his; now get the hell out of my office and if you tell anyone I swear to _God_ I will kill you with my bare hands"

"Addison-"

"With. my. bare. hands, _Sam_"

"Addison-"

"GET OUT! DO YOU_ NOT_ KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!? Get the _FUCK_ out Sam!" she yells at him, ignoring the look of hurt on his face.

The rest of the day is spent huddled up in her office, until Jake comes in.

"Ugh, Jake-"

"So, judging from the looks of it, I'd say you're about 3 months...am I right?"

"Jake-"

"Have you been taking your prenatal vitamins?"

"I'm an OB Jake, I _know_ what to do"

"I'm just checking; I mean, it can't be easy considering-"

"Considering what?"

"Addison, I was there that night, remember? I know that baby's not Sam's"

"Get out, right now" she whispers

"Addison"

"I said out!"

"Addison"

"Get _out _of my office Jake!"

"Addison, I'm just trying to-"

"What, _help_ me? By coming into my office and being condescending about my pregnancy-"

"I was just trying to be a good friend to you, that's all"

"A 'good friend' wouldn't approach me like you did" she says folding her arms across her stomach

"You're right, I'm sorry Addison I shouldn't have done that" Jake says

"...I was gonna do it, get rid of it but, I couldn't" Addison whispers softly

"Oh?"

"Yeah, but I couldn't do it; I went to the clinic but...I couldn't do it. Does that make me a horrible person, for keeping this baby?"

"No, it doesn't make you a bad person Addison" Jake says walking over to the redhead, wrapping his arms around her, holding her as she cries softly.

"This shouldn't be happening to me"

"I know and I'm here, if you need me...I'm here" Jake mutters softly, rubbing her back.

Once he leaves, Addison is left alone in her office to think about things; Jake knows about the baby, so does Sam. It would only be a matter of time before everyone else found out, and if they found out, it wouldn't be long before Ella found out, and that was the _last_ thing she wanted. She didn't want to burden her daughter with the troubles of her life, especially the fact that she had been raped; all this time Ella had called what happened to Addison a 'bad man attack', because that was all she knew; a bad man had attacked her mother. What would she think if she found out that her mother, her hero, had been attacked.

No, she couldn't let Ella find out, because if Ella found out, then everyone else would find out. That would be even worse, everyone knowing that she, Addison Forbes Montgomery, world class surgeon, had been viciously attacked and raped. No, that was the last thing she wanted people to know. So, she distanced herself from everyone, Ella especially. She couldn't let anyone in, she couldn't get attached to this baby. She couldn't tell anyone she was raped. She had no one to trust but herself at this point. It was Addison against the world; it wasn't an easy task but, it kept everyone she loved from being hurt or looking at her differently.

Sitting in her office, she rests her hand on her stomach, gently rubbing it as she tried to figure out how in the hell she could make this go away so that her life could go back to normal.

* * *

March 2012

She knew something was wrong with her mother; exactly what, she wasn't sure. She knew that for the past few weeks, mommy had been really sick; but she just assumed it was from her bad-man attack. Then one morning she discovered something that she shouldn't have; her mommy was pregnant. But how she wondered? Sam no longer lived there with them, so how in the world could her mother be pregnant? She wasn't supposed to know, but she had found out anyways. It was the weekend, Friday to be exact; she was supposed to visit her father in Seattle. It happened like clock work; every other weekend. The routine was simple really, Ella would wake up, go to school like normal; but after school her mother was there waiting and ready to drop her off at the airport. She felt like a big girl because she flew to Seattle all the way by herself. Her mother would drop her off at the airport and Ella would take a private jet to Seattle where her father would be waiting for her. She would return to Los Angeles between Sunday afternoon and Sunday evening.

On this particular weekend however, her school was closed due to some developmental day, which Addison had completely forgotten about. Once the realization hit her, Addison sighed in annoyance as

she called in to the practice and informed them that she would be late. Ella however, had fallen asleep again after informing her mother(via a mumble and shoving the note at her)that there was no school. Sitting up, the recently turned 7 year old stretched lazily before getting out of bed and heading towards her mother's room. What she saw would surprise her as she peaked through the open door to her mother's room. Watching her mother as she stood in front of the floor length mirror, Ella looked on intently, immediately something something; a bump. Not just any bump either, it was a full on baby bump. Trying to get a better look at what she had just seen, the 7 year old pushed the door open a bit more; unfortunately, she somehow managed to lose her balance in the process, causing her mother to turn and look at her.

"Ella, what are you..." Addison started, but immediately stopped once she noticed her daughter staring at her stomach. She was shocked; she had no intention of Ella finding out, not this way at least. Hell, no one at the practice knew yet. She wasn't quite sure how in the hell she wanted to handle this, let alone think of how everyone else would react to the news. No one else knew about her rape, aside from Pete, Jake and Charlotte; so they would be the only ones who could put two and two together. Then there was Sam to think about, Sam who had put two and two together. Dammit, she had forgotten about the fact that Sam knew. How in the hell was she supposed to deal with what had happened to her, plus the fact that she was carrying her rapist's baby, all on top of dealing with how everyone would react to her being pregnant.

"Mommy?" Ella asked in a whisper, her eyes still very much on her mother's stomach; her very round stomach.

"Ella, sweetie..." Addison started, trying her best to figure out how in the hell she would explain this to her child. She didn't have to; Ella immediately ran to her room and 30 minutes later she was dressed and ready to head to work with her mother. The tension between the pair did not go unnoticed by everyone at the practice; when asked if everything was okay between them, the two responded with simple one worded answers. When Addison dropped Ella off at the airport, her heart broke as her daughter immediately rushed out of the car, hurriedly grabbing her bag; she didn't even bother to say goodbye. Deep in her heart, she knew that her kid needed time to process everything and that she would come to her when she was ready; but it didn't make it hurt any less.


	5. It all Comes Down to This

May 2012

It was just a fall, an accident; she tripped coming down the stairs with the laundry. She's 7 months pregnant now, though she doesn't speak of the impending birth of her child. She has the necessary check ups needed-though she makes Jake swear not to tell her the sex of the baby. She pretends not to hear its steady heartbeat each time an ultrasound is done. She's more distant with Ella than ever, especially since the 7 year old had discovered her secret. Once she found out her mother was pregnant, she then went on to tell her father. Ella's admission of the pregnancy prompted Mark to call his ex, and their phone call was anything less than pleasant. Their conversation was initially about how Addison had been treating Ella, but Mark decided to push the envelope.

"Mark, I don't know what Ella told you but-"

"She said you're pregnant"

The redhead pauses, swallowing roughly for a moment; Mark wasn't supposed to know. No one was supposed to know; this wasn't supposed to be happening. Unfortunately for Addison, this was happening, and quite fast actually. She was 30 weeks, which was approximately 7 and a half months pregnant. 10 weeks left, 2 and a half months to go. She could do this she told herself. After Ella found out, there was no actual point of her trying to hide her pregnancy anymore. It was a relief not to hide it, because her fitted skirts had become highly uncomfortable. Her patients assumed that the baby was.

Sam's, and she didn't try and correct them. However, when he Ella assumed that the baby was Sam's it was a whole other story.

"Mama?" the 7 year old asked one Saturday afternoon.

"What is it Ella?"Addison asked as she stood in the kitchen rubbing her stomach

"Is the baby Sam's? Is that the reason you've been so sad lately? Because the baby's Sam's and he doesn't wanna be your boyfriend and he doesn't want a baby?"

She stops what she's doing, turning to face her daughter, a cold look in her eyes

"Ella what did you say?"

"I asked if the baby was Sam's and if that was why you were so sad?"

"What makes you think that the baby is Sam's?"

"Well, I-"

"Who's conversations have you been eavesdropping on Ella?" Addison says with a frustrated sigh, running a hand through her hair

"No one's..."

"Then what gives you the _audacity_ to question who the father is?"

"Well, I just thought-"

"I want you and everyone else to _stop thinking_. Since you and the rest of the office need to know, no the baby _isn't_ Sam's" she says firmly before heading upstairs.

"Mark, I don't need to be looked after" Addison said in annoyance from her bedroom a short time later. Ella has been relatively quiet since learning that the baby isn't Sam's. Addison has been trying to rest as much as the baby will let her, seeing as it likes to kick her, constantly.

"Mark, for the thousandth time, you are here in Los Angeles because you _want_ to be. I didn't _ask _you to come to LA...Ella is fine! Oh god, this is ridiculous" the redhead mutters, laundry basket in hand as she exits her room.

"Mark, I am taking care of my daughter, thank you very much...okay so I've had a rough couple of months, but given what I've been through, some would call it an accomplishment that I'm even capable of functioning properly" she says as she reaches the stairs. She goes down the first step, pausing because the baby gives a sharp kick to her abdomen. Shifting the basket slightly, the redhead rubs her

stomach lightly before the baby gives her another kick, causing her to drop the basket.

"Shit" she mutters before missing the next step, sending her tumbling down the stairs, landing on her side. Ella, who has been sitting in the living room sees the entire thing.

_xx_

Lying in her hospital bed, Addison is hooked up to a fetal monitor, keeping progress of the baby's heartbeat. The baby appears to be fine based on the ultrasound Jake immediately did once Addison got to the hospital. Everyone is quite concerned about the redhead, as well as her baby, especially after Ella explains what she saw.

"Well, mommy was on the phone talking to my daddy and she was coming down the stairs and then she stopped at the top of the stairs and dropped the basket and then she fell down" the 7 year old explains to everyone.

"You guys can't possibly think that Addison, that she made herself fall down those stairs, do you?" Sheldon asked

"I wouldn't know what she's thinking these days seeing as she doesn't talk to me" Naomi muttered

"I mean, we've all heard her express her hatred for this baby at some point" Sam says quietly

"This is Addison we're talking about here; she wouldn't possibly do something to hurt the baby" Jake says

"If I were her, pregnant with my rapist's baby and I didn't have the heart to have an abortion, especially after almost aborting my first child, I'd try and make it look accidental" Amelia said

"I don't think she made herself fall on purpose" Charlotte says as Cooper squeezes her hand

"Charlotte, I know you want to think the best of Addison, but-"

"Violet, let's not even go there; this is Addison Forbes Montgomery for cryin' out loud! She wouldn't do somethin' like that!" Charlotte argues back

"Let's just, calm down. Addison's okay, the baby's okay and that's what matters" Pete says

"What the hell happened Addison?!" Mark shouts as he bursts into her darkened hospital room

"Mark, please" the redhead sighs heavily

"No, don't Mark please me! You _made _yourself fall down the stairs! What the hell were you thinking!?"

"Wait, you actually think I _made_ myself fall down the stairs? Oh, you have _got _to be kidding me, right? You can't possibly _believe _that I would-"

"I don't know what to believe anymore Addison! I've taken an indefinite leave of absence from the hospital-"

"I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO DO THAT DAMMIT! Ella and I were just fine!"

"That is bullshit Addison! You don't talk to Ella, you don't even look at Ella! When's the last time you told her you loved her, huh? Exactly. I had to take time off from my job to make sure you aren't fucking up my kid, or trying to kill yourself and your baby"

"You, are so fucking clueless. _All of you_, are so, damn, clueless" Addison says with a sad laugh

"What?"

"How _stupid_ do you think I am Mark? If I wanted this baby dead...I'm a double board certified OBGYN; if I wanted to kill this baby, I could perform an abortion on myself and make it look like a miscarriage Mark. Only a desperate fool would try throwing themselves from the stairs. You _clearly_ underestimate me Mark. I've tried getting rid of this kid, on more than one occasion, but it _won't _go away. It's not going anywhere much to my dismay. I am stuck with it. You know what? I'm tired of having this conversation with you, get out Mark" The redhead says calmly

"I'm not going anywhere"

"Either you get out, or I will forcibly throw you out, it's your choice" she says, her back still turned away from him

"Addison-"

"OUT!" she screams, throwing one of the lamps at him

"Jesus Christ Red!"

"I SAID GET OUT!"

* * *

2 weeks later

Things are somewhat better for Addison. She's been discharged from the hospital, advised to be careful when coming down the stairs. She's now 32 weeks pregnant and still working, though Jake has limited her work to only a couple of hours twice a week. She's no longer allowed to do extensive surgeries or anything that could be strenuous on her or the baby.

She's preparing to have lunch in the kitchen, but what she sees instead angers her. Her co workers have decided that she needs to have a baby shower. They've taken the liberty of putting up streamers and balloons. There are gender neutral presents; there's even a cake.

"What the hell is this?" she asks

"It's a baby shower" Naomi says to her best friend

"I _know_ what it is; whose idea was this?" Addison asks, growing more irritated by the minute

"It was my idea, mine and Naomi's" Violet says as she begins to walk closer to the redhead

"_Don't_ come any closer to me Violet because if you do, I will not be held responsible for what happens. I didn't _ask _for a baby shower" Addison says crossing her arms over her chest

"Addison come on! You are highly unprepared for this baby! You need to be ready when it gets here"

Naomi says

"Who says I'm keeping it"

"You're 32 weeks, that's well past the time for an abortion"

"Says the woman who tried to make her 16 year old daughter have an abortion against her will"

"That has _nothing_ to do with this Addison. You are way out of line!"

"I'm out of line?" Addison says with a laugh

"No, you, _you're_ the one who's out of line Naomi! Maya got pregnant because she had consensual sex. I got pregnant because I was _raped!_ Yes people of Seaside Wellness, my baby, the one you've all been assuming is _Sam's_, is my rapist's baby! I didn't _ask_ for this! While you all have been having your secret meetings about why Addison is so cold and heartless and oh, how I tried to kill my baby by throwing myself down the stairs, I have been trying to wrap my head around the fact that _I am pregnant, with my rapist's baby!_ Any of you know what that's like? Anyone? No, I didn't think so! So before you all go trying to be all 'let's help Addison out', do me a favor and stay the _FUCK_ out of my business! I do not _want_ nor do I _need_ a baby shower! I do not _need_ to be reminded that my baby is due in 2 months! _I KNOW THIS! _I don't _need_ you people and your condescending comments; so just mind your own damn business and stay out of mine!" she yells before walking away

"Oh and take down those _horrible_ decorations...I _hate_ the color green; you would know this if you _asked me_ about throwing a goddamned baby shower first!" she tells them.

"Naomi and Violet went through a whole lot of trouble to throw that baby shower for you" Sam says as he walks into Addison's office an hour later.

"Sam, I am trying to work, so_ please_, if what you have to say isn't work related then leave"

"We're all just trying to help-"

"I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" She shouts at him.

"Addie-"

"I don't _want _your help. I just, I just want this to be over already. I want to not be pregnant. I want, I want a lot of things"

"I could help, with the baby ya know"

"Oh, so _now_ you want to be there for me? You want to _help_ me now? No, you don't want a baby with

me, remember?"

"Addison that's a low blow and you know it is"

"No Sam! You didn't want this life, and I refuse to let you be there out of pity" she says firmly

"You're unbelievable right now do you know that? You have managed to alienate everyone around you, me, Mark, everyone here at the practice; hell you've even managed to alienate your own child!"

"Maybe I want it that way" Addison says quietly

"You don't mean that"

"Maybe I do"

"You don't mean that; we are all here for you Addison. We love you and we wanna help you; let us help you, because if you don't, this thing is gonna drive you crazy. You say you don't need anyone, well there is a 7 year old little girl who needs her mother and a baby, whether you want it or not who needs you. If you don't give a damn about anyone else, at least think of your children" Sam tells her

_xx_

After Sam leaves, Addison remains in her office trying to wrap her head around everything. All that she's went through is a lot for her or any woman to handle. Suddenly, she realizes that there is only one person in the office besides Jake who hasn't been so annoying.

"What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Addison asks Charlotte

The petite Blonde smiles softly; somehow, she had a feeling that Addison would come to her. She didn't want to push the redhead; she knew Addison would come to her, on her own terms.

"Well?"

"Why don't ya sit down Addison"

"Charlotte-"

"Addison, you're 32 weeks pregnant; you just fell down a flight of stairs 2 weeks ago, you're wearing 6 inch heels that look like they're highly uncomfortable. Your body's going through all sorts of changes...you're carrying a baby by the man who raped ya, have a seat" Charlotte says, an understanding smile on her face.

"Okay" Addison says quietly, making her way over to Charlotte's couch, sighing heavily

"This couch feels divine; I think I've worn out the couch in my office"

"Lay back and relax if ya want" Charlotte tells her, still doing her paperwork.

There's a long silence between them before Addison begins to speak

"I went to an abortion clinic, I almost had an abortion" she says quietly

Charlotte doesn't respond, just leans back in her chair and listens; she figures that Addison just needs someone to listen to her.

"It's funny; because when I found out I was pregnant with Ella I, did the same thing. It's not that I didn't _want _kids. I did, I _always_ wanted children; I knew _when_ and _how _I wanted to have them, ya know?"

"I do. When I was a lil girl, I wanted to be a momma; the only thing was, I wanted to have a career first. I didn't wanna be a pretty housewife like my momma"

"We're a lot more alike than I thought"

"That we are" Charlotte says with a small smile

"I thought that I'd finish with college and med school and my residency and then have kids. What I didn't expect, is any of this"

"People plan and God laughs

"That's what Bizzy used to say"

"Your momma was a smart woman"

"What would you do, if you were me? If, if you'd gotten pregnant by Lee McHenry?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes, I could use some of that please"

"I don't know if I could be as strong as you are right now"

"You think I'm strong?"

"Addison, you got raped and you're carrying your rapist's baby while still somehow managing to run a practice, see patients, take care of your kid-"

"I barely talk to Ella"

"Maybe you should"

"I, I can't"

"She needs her mama"

"I can't be her mom right now; I'm too messed up"

"Addison, you can't just shut her out...not to get too personal but, I remember you saying something about your own momma being cold and heartless. That the way you want Ella to grow up seeing you?"

"...No"

"Then talk to your daughter"

"What do I tell her? I mean, she thinks I had a 'bad man' attack; hell, up until I had my accident, she thought the baby was Sam's. How do I explain to my child that-"

"You don't explain; you being raped isn't something that any mama wants to explain to her child. You explain to her what you think she'll be able to understand. You're a great mother Addison, and Ella needs to be reminded of that"

"Wait, you think I'm a great mom?"

"Naomi and Violet are good but, Naomi's too controlling and Violet, well if it wasn't for Pete, Lucas would be screwed. You, you're a good mama. You've made mistakes as a parent but, you own up to 'em.

I don't think I've ever seen a kid as happy as Ella"

"What if I can't do it, raise this baby?"

"You say when you've wanted to get rid of it ya couldn't, right?"

"Yeah"

"Well maybe you aren't meant to. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. Not saying that your rape was supposed to happen but, that kid needs ya, so does Ella"

"You never answered my initial question" Addison says with a small smile

"What? If I were you..."

"Yeah, that one; you didn't answer"

"You're stronger than me Addison. Hell, if it were me, I'd prob'ly be somewhere in Alabama, drunk or high off pills right now. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I know it's hard and I know that this is scary but, you're doing a damn good job holding it in the road if ya ask me"

"I'm scared Charlotte, every day I wake up, I am, terrified. I'm terrified, and angry and...God! Why'd this happen to me?!" The redhead exclaims, finally allowing herself to break down. It takes Charlotte only a few seconds to walk over to the couch where Addison was and wrap her arms around her while she cried.

"I honestly don't know, but I'm sorry that it did; nobody deserves this" the blonde says softly, allowing Addison to let out all of the emotions she's been holding in for the past 32 weeks.

_xx_

About an hour later, Addison arrives home to find Mark sitting in her living room.

"Hey" he says quietly, watching as she removed her coat, taking off her shoes as she placed her purse down.

"Hey" Addison replies as she walks over to the couch to sit next to him.

There's an unspoken silence between them, filled with wordless conversations and apologies as Mark takes one of Addison's feet and begins to rub it.

"Where's Ella?"

"Upstairs"

"She asleep?"

"She should be; I gave her dinner, made sure she had a bath before I read her a story and tucked her in"

"I'm gonna go up and say goodnight" Addison says before leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss to Mark's lips

"What was that for?"

"For being here for me, and for Ella" she says with a smile as she stands up and heads upstairs to Ella's room. She finds the 7 year old fast asleep, her Blonde hair splayed across her pillow. Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Addison gently strokes her daughter's cheek for a few moments before the little girl wakes up

"Mmmm, Momma?"

"Shh, baby go back to sleep" Addison says, her voice sounding much softer than normal, which is highly surprising to Ella. Seeing this softer side of Addison. This was a side the little girl hadn't seen of her mother she hadn't seen since before her attack. Smiling softly at her daughter, the redhead pulls her in for a hug. It felt good to be able to hold her daughter. Crying silently, Addison continues to hold Ella, quietly whispering how much she loves her. In that moment, both Addison and Ella think that maybe, just maybe things will be okay. 4 weeks later though, they'll realize that nothing may ever be the same.


	6. In Order to Survive You Must Surrender

**Hi guys!**

**Sorry it took so long for me to update this; I had to make sure that the idea I had in mind came together perfectly. Plus, I'm back in school and, "Gone in the Night" has consumed much of my time, along with Finishing "I Know Who I Want to Take Me Home"(which is now officially done) as well as trying to updating "God Laughs". Plus, I was trying to keep the Addisam feels to a minimum, because I was giving an Addisam overload of stories plus, peeps aren't exactly fans of Addisam so...any who, this chapter would be set shortly after the end of season 5, like during the hiatus. I do hope you all enjoy this next chapter...Oh, I should mention, that you can follow me or, well in this case, Addison and this story's progress on twitter Montgomery_Red. Yes, I've discovered that you can role play on twitter as well; it's pretty interesting. Any who, enjoy the chapter!**

**Xx**

* * *

June 2012

Standing out on her deck that night, Addison Forbes Montgomery rubs soft circles on her stomach, trying to settle her seemingly angry baby. She's startled when she hears another voice out on the deck.

"You okay?" Sam asks

"I'm fine" Addison replies quickly, wincing when she felt a sharp pain running through her abdomen.

"Addie?"

"I'm fine Sam go away" Addison says quickly, failing hide the pained look on her face as what she was sure was another contraction hit.

"Addison, you don't look fine"

"I'm not, I'm in labor" Addison said quietly, still rubbing her stomach

"Addison-"

"Don't. Don't come any closer Sam. No, no, no, no, you've got another 4 weeks. I'm not ready yet, you're not ready" Addison whispers to her unborn child as another contraction hits, almost bringing her to her knees; but luckily Sam is there in time to catch her.

"Addie, you need to get to a hospital"

"No, it's too soon; I'm not ready, I'm not ready" Addison says as she cries out in pain

"Addison, lemme take you to the hospital"

She's hesitant; she doesn't want him too but, with the way this pain is ripping through her body, she doesn't really have a choice.

"Alright"

"Hey, Addison, Addison look at me, the baby's going to be fine. You, are going to be fine" Sam says, hoping that for once the redhead will let him in.

_xx_

The drive to the hospital is rather quick, seeing as they only live a few minutes from the interstate and the hospital isn't that far from there. She refuses a wheelchair, although the pain that is ripping through her body would prove she do otherwise. She doesn't want sympathy, she doesn't want pity; she just wants to do this and get it over with. Once they make it to the entrance, Sam has Jake paged.

"You sure you're gonna be okay Addie?"

"I'll be fine Sam, you can go now" Addison says trying to breathe through another contraction

"Addison, please just let me help you"

"I don't want your help Sam! I don't want you! You shouldn't be here Sam! I don't want you to be a part of this!" Addison says, tears streaming down her cheeks

"But what if I wanna be here?"

"How can you _want_ to be here with me? I'm having a baby by-"

"That doesn't matter; _it_ doesn't matter. I _want _to be here because _I love you, Addison_. I love you, and that's all that matters" Sam says, taking her hand and squeezing it just as Jake got to the ER

"Alright Addison, let's get you up to labor and delivery" Jake says, glancing over at Sam

"It's okay, he brought me here and, I want him there while I do this" Addison says softly

"Alright, anyone else?"

"Um, could you uh, find Charlotte for me?" she asks, just as the petite Blonde appears

"So, you went into labor huh? This kid's more anxious than you are looks like it" Charlotte says trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn't seem to be happening

"I was just about to have you paged" Jake says

"Oh?"

"Yeah, Addison-"

"Would you, be there, will me? While all of this is happening?" Charlotte can tell that Addison isn't one that's used to being weak and vulnerable; in fact, Charlotte King cannot recall a time seeing the redhead in a state such as this. Aside from when her mother died, but even then, Addison Forbes Montgomery still somehow managed to have her dignity. She finds it kind that Addison would ask her to be there during what she can only imagine is going to be a horrible time for the redhead.

"Sure, I'll clear my schedule, tell Coop I won't be coming home tonight" Charlotte says with a smile.

* * *

Labor for Addison is anything but fun; she refuses drugs and remains eerily silent the entire time, aside from those moments when the pain just gets to be too much.

"You're doing great Addison" Charlotte says, just as the redhead cries during a contraction

"Is is almost over?" She asks Jake who checks her progress

"You're about ready to push" Jake says, his face trying to be supportive, but he can't begin to fathom what all of this is doing to Addison. The biggest question on his and he's pretty sure its on Sam and Charlotte's mind as well is, _what's going to happen to the baby once this is over?_

"You're doing great Addie" Sam says softly, wiping sweat from her forehead

"Thank You" she whispers

"Hmmm?"

"Thank you, for being here with me"

"It's fine-"

"No, it's not fine; I was such a bitch to you and I broke up with you and...Sam, I'm sorry"

"Hey, hey, that's in the past"

"But-"

"No buts; I'm here aren't I? That's what counts. I know you're stubborn; I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll be dealing with your stubbornness for the rest of my life" Sam says with a laugh

"For the rest of your life?"

"Yeah, because I still plan on marrying you Addison"

"You do?"

"Oh yeah; I couldn't imagine myself being married to anyone else" Sam says with a smile just as Stephanie, the labor and delivery nurse walks into the room.

"I got you Stephanie, she's the best" Charlotte says with a smile

"Thank You" Addison says tiredly

"Do you need anything Dr. Montgomery?" Stephanie asks; she doesn't know the redhead personally but, she's always admired her work and, she heard about her being attacked while at the hospital and from she can conclude, the baby that this woman is carrying, is more than likely the baby of the man who attacked her; otherwise, she wouldn't have broken up with Dr. Bennett or withdrawn from everyone around her.

"I just, I just want this to be over" Addison says tiredly

_xx_

Soon enough, Jake has her in the stirrups, ready to push. Her heart is beating faster than ever; she can literally hear it, like a ringing in her ears. This is all happening so fast; she wishes that she could make it stop, or at least slow down just a bit. She still hasn't exactly processed everything. Wait, wasn't she just at home with Sam, his arms around her as he apologized for what had happened in their relationship before? Wasn't she just as the practice, holding Ella in her arms, promising her that they would go Trick-Or-Treating? It was happening fast, oh so fast, and in Addison's case, way too fast.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!" she finds herself yelling, causing the other 4 people in the room to look at her

"Addison-"

"I'm not ready! I can't do this! It's too soon!" She tells them.

"Addison, Addison listen to me" Jake says, trying to get her to stay calm

"No, No! I can't do this, I'm not ready yet" she says shaking her head

"Addison, Addison, listen to me, ya need to stay calm" Charlotte tries telling her, but she won't listen

"No! I can't do this!"

"Addie-"

"No! Sam, I wanna go home! I don't wanna do this!" by now she's crying and when Addison is scared and crying, rationality is the farthest thing from her mind. It's Stephanie who gets her to calm down. Taking the redhead's hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze, she softly begins to talk.

"Addison, do you mind if I call you that?"

"No"

"Alright; Addison, I know you're scared, this is scary. Giving birth is a scary thing"

"Have you ever had a baby?"

"No, but I've seen enough scared mothers to know that it's not the most pleasant thing, or the most fun"

"This isn't a normal pregnancy, and I'm not a normal expectant mother"

"I know"

"You-"

Stephanie nods

"But who-"

"No one told me; I just put two and two together; if it were Dr. Bennett's baby, you wouldn't have broken up with him and you wouldn't be walking around the hospital so miserable. You know, it happened to me once you know; but I wasn't as brave as you, I couldn't keep mine"

"You-"

"I couldn't handle it, the idea of it"

"I tried getting rid of mine but, I just, I couldn't"

"Everyone's different; I couldn't, because I wasn't strong enough. You, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with it"

"You can either raise your baby, or find someone who would be willing to give your baby what you're not able to, but something tells me that you'll find the strength to raise yours"

"I'm scared"

"I know, and you have every right to be; this isn't exactly the most ideal way to be bringing a baby into the world"

"I wanted to have Sam's baby, not this one"

"And I'm sure that Dr. Bennett would've loved the same thing, but it didn't happen that way. This is the reality, and you've gotta push Addison. I know you don't want to but, it's almost over, think about that. It's almost over, all you've gotta do, is push and it'll all be over"

"Just push?"

"Just push"

* * *

And that's exactly what she does, she pushes. Everyone is highly supportive of her while she pushes; it's painful, every second of it but, this is all she has to do, and then it'll be all over. Unfortunately, fate has other plans for Addison, as well as her baby. The baby gets to her pelvic bone and suddenly becomes stuck. Jake tries rotating the baby but, it proves to be futile.

"Addison" Jake says looking at the redhead, who is beyond exhausted

"Addison" Jake repeats

"Can't we just, say we did everything?"

"Addison-"

"I don't wanna push anymore"

"I can't just-"

"Goddammit! I don't want this! I don't want this baby Jake! Let it die! I don't want it! Just, just don't do anything; the umbilical cord will do everything for you"

"Addison, I can't just, do nothing. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I just, let this baby die, and neither would you. You think you would be able to but, you wouldn't. The mother in you wouldn't be able to handle not doing anything, because like it or not, despite the horrible way this baby came to be, it's still yours. The mother in you wouldn't be able to handle knowing that your child had died while you did nothing. I get that you're in a bad place but, don't allow yourself to go that far. You didn't ask for this baby, and it didn't ask to be here; it's not at fault, it's an innocent life" Jake tells her

"Addie" Sam prompts

"...Save it, do what have to to save it" she whispers, tears falling down her cheeks. Jake's words stung, but they also hit home; this baby did nothing to her. He or she was totally innocent in this entire situation.

"Okay, I'm gonna have to do an emergency C; the baby's slowly starting to lose oxygen. I'm gonna have to push it back up the birth canal" Jake tells her

"What?" Addison says in a panic; the procedure isn't very fun, and the fact that her baby is slowly starting to lose oxygen isn't really calming. There are risks with doing something like this, the baby could die, or have permanent brain damage, something the redhead does not think she can handle.

"Addison" Jake says

"Just, do it" she says as Sam takes her hand.

Swallowing roughly, Jake begins the process of pushing the baby back up the birth canal. The way Addison is screaming in pain almost makes him want to stop. He knows that he can't, because if he does then this baby could possibly die.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Addison screams, her body in an unbearable amount of pain; Sam has to look away momentarily, hating what this is doing to the woman lying in the hospital bed, but he swallows his feeling, settling himself next to her, holding her close, as he tries to assure her that everything will be okay. Somehow, Sam isn't sure if anything will be okay again.

"Alright, I'm done" Jake says as everyone in the room breathes a collective sigh of relief, unable to handle Addison's screams.

"Dr. Reilly? We've got an OR prepped" a nurse says sticking her head through the door of Addison's room

"Alright, let's get her prepped and down to the OR, fast" Jake says to the nurse before turning his attention to the redhead in front of him.

"It's almost over" Jake says with a smile, gently squeezing the redhead's hand

"Almost over?" she asks, her voice is weak and she's beyond exhausted. All she wants, is for this to be over

"It's almost over Addison" Charlotte says, giving the redhead's hand a gentle squeeze.

_xx_

The gurney ride to the OR seems to last forever; the entire time, her heart is beating fast, dangerously fast. Just as they reach the doors, she starts to panic. Sensing her panic, Jake looks down at the redhead on the gurney, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Addison, Addison listen to me; it's going to be fine, I promise. When it's all over your baby will be here...hey Sam, why don't you go get scrubbed in; I'm sure she'd like it if you were there" Jake suggests

"Yeah, sure, no problem" he says turning to Addison

"Addie, I'm gonna go scrub in; by the time they get you prepped, I'll be right there waiting okay?"

"Okay"

_xx_

She's never noticed how bright the lights are in the OR, maybe she has but just never paid it any attention. She's never actually been in an OR before, at least not like this. Compared to Ella's delivery, which was much more high risk than this one, this is far more worse, considering that Ella was born 6 weeks earlier than her sibling. Given the severity of this situation, the redhead wishes for another placental abruption versus what she's dealing with now. 36 weeks is still relatively normal; anything over 37 weeks isn't considered to be premature. Based on Jake's ultrasounds and check ups, nothing could have prepared her for what she's dealing with now. She was expecting a hard labor and for the baby to be fine. What she got instead was a 9 hour grueling labor process which resulted in her baby's shoulders getting stuck on her pelvic bone, causing fetal distress to the baby, which resulted in Jake deciding that an emergency C-Section was the only way; though she wasn't expecting for him to have to push the baby back up the birth canal-a highly dangerous and painful process.

"Addison" Sam's voice is now snapping her out of her thoughts

"You okay?" he asks

"I just want this to be over" she says as Sam takes a seat next to her, taking her hand in his, gently squeezing it.

"Addison, you ready?" Jake asks from behind the drape

"Hey Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"I need, I need to know the sex of the baby" she says; it's something she's been avoiding, because she knows that once its revealed, than everything becomes a harsh reality that she isn't ready to face just yet. However, knowing that her child, regardless of how it came to be, is in danger...she has to know if he or she is okay.

"You sure you wanna know?"

"I need to know Jake"

"Well, I'm about to deliver, your baby boy" Jake says, moving around the drape so that Addison could see him

"It's a boy?"

"Yeah, it's a boy" Jake says, pulling down his surgical mask so that Addison can see his smile

"Listen, I'm gonna take good care of you, and him okay? I need you to trust me, alright?" Jake says, taking her hand in his and squeezing it

"I do, I trust you" Addison says with a nod

"Alright then, let's get started, scalpel"

* * *

It's a quiet process, with Sam sitting near Addison's head, speaking softly to her while she mostly just listens. Her mind is racing with thoughts; most importantly, what the hell is she gonna do with this baby? She's torn between keeping it, and giving it away and keeping it, in actuality, she doesn't know what she should do. Unfortunately, she doesn't have time to decide what to do, because as always in her life, the bad things just keep on happening. She can tell my the slight pressure she feels in her abdomen that Jake has delivered her baby, but he isn't crying.

Her little boy isn't crying.

Something is wrong.

"Jake? Jake talk to me" Addison says, her voice slightly in a panic

"He's not breathing" Jake says before handing him off to the NICU team who instantly start working on him.

The fact that no one is saying anything makes the tension in the room rise even more.

"Jake, Jake what's going on?"

"He's having a hard time getting air into his lungs Addison. The labor was more traumatic than we expected it to be" Jake says before assigning someone to close

"Move out of the way; gimmie a chest tube now...come on, come on baby, breathe dammit" Jake mutters, only making Addison's panic rise, causing an onset of tears.

"Jake! Jake is he okay? Is my son okay?" Addison asks but gets no response

"Jake, Jake answer me!"

"Sam, I need you over here" Jake calls out, making Addison's eyes widen with fear; Sam is a cardio specialist, if Sam's needed then, this is bad, really really bad

"Alright man I'm coming over; Addie, Addie look at me. Now I know you're scared but hey, hey, hey, hey, Jake and I are gonna do everything we can to save your son alright?" Sam says, trying to give the redhead some reassurance before rushing over towards Jake's direction

"Okay I need an ultrasound machine right now" Sam instructs

"What do you see?" Jake asks

"Oh man, this is bad, real bad; is this something you could've picked up on on an ultrasound?"

"No, the baby usually shows signs and symptoms but, he was perfectly healthy, up until-"

"Her fall" Sam concludes, making Addison's heart sink.

"Alright, it's a free for all; I gotta get in there and drain some of that fluid off. Book an OR right now" Sam says as the nurses and NICU team immediately rush off with the baby, Jake and Sam following quickly behind, leaving Addison with tons of unanswered questions; most importantly _would her son be alright?_


	7. Thinking of You

**I know it's been so long since I updated this story. As I said before, sometimes, ideas for how the next chapter strike me more than others. I have about 18 stories I've got pre planned out in my iPhone but, actually seeing how they come together is taking quite some time. I'm a visual person; I see, hear and feel how each chapter of my fanfic is going to come out. Anywho, I just got struck with how the next few chapters of this story will play out so, I'm going to update them as the ideas come. This chapter, and the following chapter will be based on Addison's POV. With the way I have this planned out, it makes more sense to have these next two chapters come from Addie's POV. I do hope that you guys enjoy this chapter, as well as this story. Again, I apologize for the wait.**

**Happy Reading!**

**Xx**

* * *

I don't know how long its been; it could be hours, it could be days. I'm not sure but, I know its been a while. Everything that's happened in the last 36 weeks, or 9 months rather, is all a blur. I never expected any of this to happen, not to me at least. But, it's like Bizzy always used to say "People Plan, and God Laughs". Well, I didn't plan for this but, it happened. I'm a mother; I have a son. That part, is scary; I have my 2 children, exactly what I wanted. Well, not exactly what I wanted. I wanted to get married, stay married, have a great career and then have 2 kids, a boy and a girl, just like me and Archer. I thought I was going to have that with Derek but...we all know how that turned out. I cheated, he was absent and then cheated on me with a younger woman. I thought that with Mark, I'd have that, my happy ending; I mean, it made sense. I loved him, he loves, loved me, we already had Ella. However that, didn't work out either. Mark couldn't stay faithful and then fell in love with a Grey girl(much to my dismay).

I thought, that finally, I had that, with Sam; and I did, sort of. Sam and me, it was easy; it was like, picking up after the 60th date. I knew him, he knew me, there was no strange, awkward 'getting to know you' thing. The only downside to this? He was, is my best friend's ex husband(how do I keep managing to get myself into these situations?). So, I didn't take the risk; and that turned into this painfully long back and forth until...we just, we couldn't. It was so easy, it is easy, being with Sam. We were great, me, him, and Ella; like our own little family. That is, until I was ready to have another baby and Sam, wasn't. It was something we argued and struggled over until we eventually broke up. Being without Sam was just...crazy. It was like a part of me was missing; like I couldn't breathe without him. We eventually realized that we were being stupid and, got back together. We mutually came to the decision that we'd wait to have a baby; he was still reeling from all things Maya and, I loved him enough to wait, and he loved me enough to consider my feelings.

We were happy, in love, everything was perfect...until it wasn't anymore. It was perfect until someone...until my life was changed. Everything after that was, is a total blur to me. Its like, I've been having an out of body experience; it's like I'm not even me. But I was brought back to reality the moment I realized, I had a child; a son and he was in danger. I haven't moved from this spot in my hospital bed since I woke up from recovery. I can't think, I can't move; all I can think about, is my son and if he's okay. I didn't even get to see him before they took him away but, he's all I can think about right now.

"Addison?" Charlotte says softly; in the last year, I never thought I'd be able to count Charlotte King as a close friend. Not that we're not friends or anything but, she gets it, she gets me and where I am right now. She hasn't judged me in any way since any of this happened. In fact, she's been nothing but supportive; the fact that she was in the delivery room with me and held my hand shows just how much of a friendship that we have. I don't think she'll ever be willing to admit it but, I think Charlotte likes having me for a friend

"How is he?" I ask of my nameless little boy; I don't think I'll be able to name him, let alone look at him

"No word yet; Sam and Jake are still is surgery with him she says, moving closer to the bed

"Ya hungry?"

"No"

"Ya need to eat somethin'"

"I can't eat"

"I know this is scary for ya but-"

"Charlotte, don't, don't give me the speech about how this is gonna be okay, because it isn't"

"Addison-"

"This is because of me; I did this to him. I fell and..." I stop myself because I feel the huge lump in my throat. If I hadn't fallen down the stairs 6 weeks ago, he'd probably still be inside me, instead of in an OR fighting for his life right now

"Ya couldn't have known this would happen...ya couldn't have predicted any of this" she tells me just as the door to my room flies open and Mark is standing there

"What the hell happened?" He's acting irrationally, in a panic like he always does when something's wrong

"She had the baby Sloan, what's it look like?" Charlotte counters

"With all due respect Charlotte, I wanna hear it from Addison, what happened Red?" And right there, he's got me; he knows that calling me Red will weaken any reserve I have going on and, I just...melt.

"He's in surgery" I whisper out hoarsely

"Surgery?"

"Yeah; apparently when I fell...something happened to him and, I went into labor. He was stuck, on my pelvic bone and went into distress; Jake had to do an emergency C and...he wasn't breathing. Jake and Sam have him in surgery right now" I say, just as I hear another familiar voice

"Is he gonna be okay?" I have to turn to see who I know it is; its Ella. She looks so different now, so much older than 7. I feel like she's aged so much since all of this happened. What happened to my innocent precocious little girl? I can't help but look into her eyes and see so much sadness that mirrors my own.

"C'mere sweetie" I can't help it, I need to hold her, to let her know that everything is going to be okay. I sent her to stay with Mark not long after school got out. I figured a change of scenery would do her some good with everything that's going on right now. Now, as I look at her, I realize something; all she needs is me.

Ella walks towards me, albeit reluctantly but, once she's in my arms again, everything seems so perfect.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart" I whisper, running a hand over her hair

"But why momma?"

"I'm so sorry honey; I've been so-"

"Its okay momma, I understand, you've been so sad because of your bad-man attack" Ella says and it hurts me just how mature she sounds and she's only 7. It makes me feel like a bad parent because my daughter has grown up so fast.

"No, no honey; I shouldn't have-"

"Its okay momma, I'm scared too" Ella says, holding me tightly, and that's it all it takes for me to cry. I can't bear to think about what my life has become, is becoming.

Suddenly, Sam and Jake are walking into the room, both of them looking tired; instantly, my heart starts beating faster.

"Sam-"

"He's fine; a bit touch and go but, he'll be fine" Sam says, moving towards the bed and taking my hand

"Jake..."

"He's fine Addison; he's a fighter like his mom" Jake says with a smile

"What happened to him?" I ask, because I need to know exactly what's going on with my little boy

"His spleen was ruptured due to the fall" Sam says, and with that, I can't look him in the eyes. Knowing that because I fell down the stairs that this was the result

"He's not breathing on his own right now because his lungs keep switching between regular breathing to in-utero breathing so, we've got him on a low flow of oxygen for now. His heartbeat's a bit higher than normal but, I think its just because he's scared" Jake says going on to further explain the basic preemie details; but I can't hear any of that. All I can think of, is that my little boy is hurting, because of me.

"Addison?" Charlotte says

"I wanna be alone" I tell her

"Addie-" Sam says

"Please, I just...I need to be alone, please" I say, my voice is cracking and, I can't fully process how I feel with everyone around me. I need to be alone to scream and cry and just...allow myself to be surrounded by everything I've been trying to avoid

"Addison-"

"She can stay, Ella's the only one who can stay" I say to Mark; she's so peaceful, sleeping here in my arms and, I can't stand being away from her a second longer. I need to have one of my children close, to protect her, since I can't protect her brother right now. And to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'd want to be around him at this moment. I'm scared of him; I am terrified of my son. I am afraid of my own child. Its sounds so, wrong when I say it but, if I look at him, I think I might lose it. I'm scared that if I look at him that I'll see him, the man who did this to me. I'm afraid I'll my son's father, who is also my rapist. Once everyone leave, I focus on holding Ella close to me, stroking her hair as tears fall down my face while I try and stifle my sobs. I have no idea how much time passes, because when I wake up, Ella is no longer next to me.

"Mark took her back to your place" Sam says to me; apparently, I fell asleep in the middle of my crying because I feel exhausted right now

"Is she okay?" I ask, my voice evident of the lack of sleep I've been getting

"She's fine" Sam says, staring into my eyes as he holds my hand; I can tell that there's something else on his mind, something more he wants to say

"Sam, whatever it is you wanna say, just say it"

"You need to see the baby"

"I can't" I tell him earnestly; it's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't, literally. I have this fear of what will happen when I see him. What if he looks like his father? Will I love him? Do I love him? Do I want to keep him? Can I keep him? Will I be able to raise him? How will I handle when he asks me about his father? What do I tell him? So many thoughts swarm my head about how I feel about this

"Addie-"

"I can't Sam; I wish I could but, I can't...can you just, go?"

"Addison..." he sighs; I know he feels like I'm pushing him away but, I just, right now I need time to think

"Please" I say, sounding so desperate and pathetic; but I can't help it. I just, I need time to be, alone.

Sam of course obliges and leaves me alone.

But all I can think of, is my son...

_Chapter 8 to follow..._


End file.
